Who Am I?

Shortly after I left my abuser, I went to the grocery store with my mom. At one point in our trip, she said to me “Pick out anything you’d like, my treat.”

This sounds like a very simple task, but to someone who has gone through abuse, this can be an overwhelming proposition. I remember staring at the rows and rows of items completely overwhelmed and full of anxiety. Pick out something that I want? I don’t know how to do that….

For years, every decision I made rather large or small was filtered through the eyes of him. What can I buy that he will approve of…what can I say that I won’t get yelled at on the way home for, how do I need to behave to stay under his radar?

The mere thought of selecting an item even so small, based on my own thoughts and desires was so foreign. I don’t even remember how long it took me to pick something out…. But this was the beginning of me relearning who I was.

I started small…one item at the grocery store, what did I want for dinner…what did I want to do that afternoon? Choosing to respond from my own thoughts and feelings rather than his. It wasn’t easy. Sometimes I became so frustrated because I couldn’t make a decision, amazed at how much I didn’t know myself anymore. But I didn’t give up.

Eventually, the time it took for me to figure out what I truly wanted took less and less to figure out….and today I can answer these questions rather easily. But you have to start somewhere. You have to start reconnecting with who you really are. For me, it all began with one small question in a grocery store. What about you? Where will you start?