The Healing Process

Process, no one likes that word. Even as I lay here writing, I am recovering from my second ankle surgery. Process. Patience.  It is not an easy thing to endure. However, if we want to have a better life; if we want to fulfill the dreams and visions we have for our future, then we will need to face seasons of process and change.

Throughout my journey of healing, I wrote in my journal notes from church sermons, counseling sessions, etc. This one particular entry, I believe was taken from one of my counseling sessions with my Pastor’s wife/counselor. It outlines 9 steps in the healing process.

1. Decide to get well.
   This is not always easy. More often than not, the easy thing to do is to stay where we are. The uncomfortable becomes our new comfortable. We are used to it. It may be hard, but at least it is familiar. Deciding to get well means that we will be facing an unknown. What will happen to me? Where will I go? What will I do? These thoughts can often leave us paralyzed. Then years go by and we wonder why we are still struggling with the same issues….but we can choose differently.
2. Try to Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
   Self-pity. It is a VERY easy place to live in. I remember asking God sometimes how He could allow me to go through such pain? Did it really have to get that bad? But these types of questions don’t help us overcome. Will we feel them? Will we think them? Yes, of course. But they will not empower you to move forward. They will only keep you looking back. I believe that God can take the pain that we have gone through and use it for good. Keep looking ahead. Trust that He is able to restore the years of pain with years of joy.
3. Realize You Aren’t the Only One Hurting
   I’m amazed at the amount of abuse that happens towards women every day in our world. In many ways our culture in the U.S. has made great progress towards equality, however, it is (almost) 2016 and we still struggle with this issue on a very large scale. You are not alone in your pain. As I’ve opened up about my struggle, I’ve been amazed at how many others have struggled or are still struggling in this area. I believe it is time for us to start coming together instead of hiding in our shame. This issue needs to come out into the light.
4. Help Someone Else
   While I was going through my healing, the happiest times I had were when I was praying for someone else. It made me feel like there was a purpose for my life, even in the midst of the chaos. Remember in your pain that there are others who may be suffering even more than you are.
5. Take Full Responsibility For Your Actions
   Don’t allow what happened to you to be your excuse to stay where you are. Accept it, learn from it, but then move on from it. I was angry when I left my husband. I was going to make sure that no one ever took advantage of me like that again. But this attitude often lead me to being angry and overly sensitive to anything that rubbed me the wrong way. You can’t stay in a state of anger. You have to be able to move on from it to a better YOU.
6. Face the Truth
   In order to be truly free, you will need to face the truth about how you ended up in an abusive relationship. For me, I know I had a lot of insecurity hidden deep inside of me (among other things). I made a lot of choices I regret, I said things I wish I could take back. I hurt people that I never thought I would hurt. It won’t be easy, and it won’t always be pretty. However, if you can find someone that you trust to open up with, and if you can openly bring them to God, then it will allow Him to heal you. Satan wants us to keep everything hidden inside of us because he knows it will keep having power over us. Denial seems like an easier way to live; however, it really only prolongs your suffering.
7. When it Becomes Painful or Difficult – Don’t Run!
   Going through this process of overcoming abuse was by far the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life. I can tell you that the easier thing to do would have been to stay exactly the same. But if I had done that, I can guarantee that I would have repeated the same patterns over and over again. There were times I wanted to give up, times I didn’t think I could fight any longer….but I kept pushing through. I kept fighting. And today, I can tell you that I am so glad I never stopped. Was it easy? Did it happen overnight? No, but the lessons I learned through the struggle made me who I am today. They taught me resilience; they taught me how much God really loves me, and that no matter what He is there for me. You are a lot stronger than you think.
8. Forgive Those Who Hurt You
   People who are abused, abuse others. It took me a while to do this one. But if you think about your abusers life, you will undoubtedly see a lot of pain and suffering in his own life. I’m sure at first this drew you in – you were going to save him! You were going to give him a better life, show him what true love is. Sound familiar? Well, we can’t let our compassionate hearts put us in situations that hurt us any longer. However, it was easier to forgive him when I looked at life from his perspective. And forgiveness isn’t about the other person and whether they deserve our forgiveness. Forgiveness says that we will no longer allow the things you did affect my life any longer. It acknowledges the fact that all of us are flawed, but that there is a God who will redeem all of the pain that was caused, not them. And most importantly, the byproduct is that it opens the doorway to heal us and keep us from getting angry, bitter and resentful. It doesn’t allow them to win.
9. Forgive Yourself
   It was far easier for me to forgive my abuser than myself. I had caused a lot of pain in my family. I had a great deal of shame about what I had done. This was the last step for me in my healing process; and it took many, many years for me to finally do this step. I wish I had concentrated on this sooner than I did, as I think it held me back in many areas of my life after my abuse. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Seek the Lord, ask Him to help you. Study the bible and learn how much He loves you. Ask others to forgive you where needed…and then let it go…love yourself as God loves you.
10. Stop Blaming And Move On!
    I wanted to blame God sometimes. I wanted to know how He could allow this to happen to me….why didn’t He stop it? But then I remembered how many times He tried to. Warnings from friends, family even strangers came to me before I eloped. I didn’t believe them. My ex was really good at manipulating me. He would twist and turn everything that was said to become the victim. God gives us a free will. It is up to us whether we take heed to His warnings. I had no one to blame but myself. I was young, naive but I was also broken. I had a deep pain inside of me that until it was healed, I would always be looking to men for my approval and acceptance. And with that meant that they could treat me any way they wanted to; and in my desire to be “loved” I endured it. But there is a time to draw a line in the sand, and say “No More!”

Life is all about the choices we make. Some choices we’ve made have brought a great deal of pain into our lives; others great joy. You have one choice to make right now, right where you are. Will you choose the process?