Rejection

We all have a need for love and acceptance. It is wired into our DNA. Because of this need, when we are rejected the damages that it leaves behind can wreak havoc on our lives.

I remember the first time I experienced a strong form of rejection. I was in Jr. high and a girl in my class started spreading rumors about me. Because the rumors were believed by many, a group of people came walking down the hall after school to confront me. I was so afraid that I hid in a classroom, afraid to come out. I remember wondering how I had gone from being accepted to being so rejected overnight? I have now realized that in order for rejection to be effective, it needs to be preceded by lies.

Rejection comes in two forms. It can either be active, i.e. intentional or planned, or it can be passive, i.e. come from indifference or neglect. Whichever form it takes, the effects can leave what appear to be a permanent scar on our self-worth, our self-esteem and our perceived value.

During my abusive marriage, I remember being called names that I never thought someone would call me, especially not by someone who “loved me”.  At first, I would tell myself that they weren’t true, that what he was saying wasn’t going to affect me. I knew better. But slowly, as each action or word of abuse continued, and as the years passed, I gradually began to believe that I was worthless, I was ugly, stupid, I didn’t know how to do anything right, and that I would never be loved.

Lies. Lies. Lies. Over and over again lies.

I recently read Rejection Exposed by Anthony Hulsebus, and what I’ve learned has changed my entire outlook on rejection. Don’t think I am an expert on the subject, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I can still get a little nervous posting to this blog, exposing so much of myself.  I can remain quiet sometimes when I should speak, afraid of being rejected.  But I am starting to see this more clearly, and I am becoming less and less afraid.

In the Garden, when the serpent deceived Eve, do you remember how he did it?

Genesis 3:3

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Not only did the serpent lie to Eve, but he also made her feel like God was holding back and keeping her from something “good.” The serpent needed Eve to feel rejected before he could get her to sin against God.

Why? Because when you know that someone loves you, when you feel that they are trustworthy, safe and that they love you unconditionally, your actions are different. Your self-worth is strong, you don’t want to do anything to hurt them or anyone else. BUT when you feel that this foundation is gone, or that you’ve been deceived, or rejected, our actions and our belief about ourselves (and the other person) change.

In order for the serpent to be effective, not only did he have to lie, but he also had to make Eve feel rejected. 

Think about your life and the times that you’ve felt rejected. How did you respond? Did you withdraw and hide in your cave? Did you fight back and prove to the world that you were never going to be hurt again? Did you believe that if God allowed this to happen to you then He doesn’t really love you? If so, then the serpent did exactly what he hoped to do. He made you doubt who you are and how much God loves you.

I am starting to believe that if lies can make this big of an impact on our lives, how much more effective then can TRUTH be? Is this what the deceiver is afraid of? Afraid that if we really know who we are, if we really know the truth about God’s love for us; then imagine what could we accomplish? Who we could become?

In the book, Huselbug describes a few key ways to help overcome rejection:

1. Identity – Know who you are. Your value. Spend some time writing out your strengths, qualities, etc.
2. Words –  Learn how to encourage yourself. People may say things about you that are negative or lies, but counteract them with what you know the truth to be.
3. Trust – Knowing and trusting that God loves you and wants the best for you and your life helps you to stay strong when you are feeling rejected.
4. Communicate – Since so many times rejection is based on lies, I have found that by communicating with others about the rejection I am sensing it can quickly diffuse the situation. For example, if I am feeling insecure (a.k.a afraid of being rejected), I simply ask. Are you ok with me? By bringing TRUTH into the situation, I can quickly see the lies I was believing.

You may say that truth can be just as much if not more painful than lies. I know that truth can hurt; it can be devastating.  But it is what we do with this truth that determines the outcome. Do you believe that God in His infinite wisdom has allowed this struggle for a deeper purpose than you are aware of right now? Could this struggle draw you closer to Him, refine your character, your strength? Is this the struggle God has chosen for you to overcome so that you can one day help others? Or do you believe that God doesn’t love you, that He doesn’t see your pain and that He doesn’t care about you? Only one of these viewpoints is the truth.

I urge you to look back at you life, or at your current situation and ask yourself how rejection and lies have impacted your life. What lies have you believed about yourself? What have you or others told you? As you answer these questions, you will start to see a pattern at work in your own life.

Now is the time to shed truth into these lies. Take some time to recognize your value. How does God really see you? Who are you, really? What are your strengths? What gifts have you been given?

And finally ask yourself, what will you believe?