Worry

Ever since my abuse, I’ve been a worrier. This is not something I am proud of, it is a confession. Looking back, I can see how while you are in an abusive environment constantly anticipating the next move of your abuser in a strange way protects you. You won’t be thrown off guard if you can be constantly on your toes, watching, observing, and planning how you will respond; how you will diffuse the situation and get through the next assault.

Fast forward 18 years… I am sorry to say that this thought pattern hasn’t changed for me, but I’m working on it. Even though I am no longer in a dangerous environment, I still go through this same exercise in my mind when something negative happens or if a situation could be problematic. I’ll often ask myself, what is the worst thing that can happen and what can I do about it? My mind races with possible scenarios and outcomes, it is exhausting. It isn’t a thought pattern that brings peace or remotely infuses faith into the equation.

This type of thinking has left me not feeling empowered, but defeated. Being filled with worry is not a way to live and I hope that what God has been showing me will help you as well.

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment (torment). The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I’ve been studying fear for a few months now and the part of the verse that I’d like to focus on is the fact that fear has to do with punishment or torment. In other words:

When we worry, we are torturing ourselves.

Yes, that’s right torturing ourselves. My abuser no longer even has to be in the equation and yet his effects can still transcend through my thought patterns.

When we worry, we are anticipating something bad to happen. Or as one translation of the verse states, we are expecting punishment. As a result, we are still anticipating the need to protect ourselves, when this is not our job. This is God’s job. He is our protector, He is meant to be our shield.

Lord, please forgive me for not trusting in you and for not believing that you are my protector. Forgive me for not being made perfect in your love and for leaning on my own understanding. Help me not to allow the enemy or myself to punish and torment me anymore with worry. I pray for a revelation of your unconditional love for me, a love that does not want to hurt me, but protect me.

This may sound silly, however, I was looking at my dogs yesterday and thinking about how much I loved them, how I would do anything to protect them. They are so dear to me (I don’t have kids so bear with me). I realized that if I can love my two little dogs so much, how much more does God love me, how much more willing would he be to protect me, to take care of me, and to help me through any trial in my life?

It’s hard to feel valued after you’ve been so mistreated….I get it. But this is a lie that needs to be broken. I’ve been practicing a new tactic when I start to feel worry come upon me. I’ve been saying to myself, I love myself too much to torment myself with worry. Something happens when I start to think this way. I look at myself in a more loving way, I start to focus on positive things and I start to focus on the One who is my protector. I imagine Him surrounding me with His love.

He’s got this.