Abandoned

I know what it’s like to feel abandoned by God. These past few years, I’ve cried, I’ve pleaded, read my bible, put on praise and worship music; I’ve done everything I know to do to be intimate with the Lord and yet I was still met with silence. The silence is truly deafening. There is nothing greater than being in and experiencing the presence of the Lord. It and only it has gotten me through the abuse in my life. I shared with you some of the struggles of these past few years in my previous post. Disappointment after disappointment, health struggle after continued health struggle, but that wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was the absence of His presence. Some people would argue that I had done something to disconnect from His presence, that there was a sin in my life that was keeping me from connecting and maybe there was, however, I searched my heart over and over again, I was constantly looking for someone I needed to forgive, some sin I needed to repent of and yet still, I was at a loss.

The only promise I received was right when I got really sick and I heard very clearly from John 4:11, “This sickness will not end in death.” and then it felt like radio silence. I could still pray for others and help others, however, prayers for myself or for questions I had seemed to go unanswered. I remember telling my husband one day how at least during the abuse I could feel His presence and I knew He was there with me, but for this not hearing Him, not feeling His presence was almost more than I could bear. So many questions linger…Where is He? What am I supposed to do? What am I doing wrong? It can be difficult to navigate this season and the answer is not easy.

I now believe that sometimes the Lord allows us to go through seasons of desserts and dryness coupled with intense pain for a couple of reasons. Firstly, perhaps this struggle is not for us but for those we will encounter along our journey? You see, I believe it is more common for people to not feel God’s presence than to feel it. There is absolutely nothing theological to prove this, however, it has been my experience that most people I’ve met don’t live or walk in His presence and they are navigating this life trying to figure it out on their own; guessing at what the Lord wants them to do. How can you help someone unless you understand their pain; unless you’ve experienced their sense of loneliness or abandonment?

Secondly, I have to wonder if His perceived silence is really His way of getting us to dig deeper, to seek Him further, and to uncover the deep, hidden pain in our lives? What if the perceived silence hurts Him just as much as it hurts us? What if He knows however, that good will come from it? My breakthrough finally came and I can now look back on the desert and see that as difficult as it was, it unearthed the deep anger I’ve had all of these years since my abuse. I hid it and stuffed it and masked it so it only showed its ugly head here and there, but make no mistake, it was always there. This season brought it to the surface in such a way that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I had to seek the Lord, I had to discover the root and deal with the source of the anger. Now, having come out on the other side of it, I can say that the deep, ugly anger is no longer there. Do I still feel anger now and then, of course I am human, however, it is different now. It is easily overcome, it doesn’t linger, but easily dissipated. And so now I see this season of drought has been the pathway to discovery and the road to freedom.

Heavenly Father, I pray for anyone going through a season of drought right now. I pray that this would be the catalyst for them to seek You further, to dig deeper and to seek counsel from those around them to unearth the secret pain or struggle in their lives that You want to heal. I pray that you would give them wisdom from Your secret place and that you provide encounters with others who can help them along this journey. I pray for freedom; true, life-changing freedom and that you would bring beauty from these ashes in Jesus’ name.